Letting Go Is A Life Skill

Methods for easing separation anxiety.

by Meri Wallace

Learning to separate takes time. And on the road to acquiring this skill, your child's behavior will be erratic. Here are some ways you can help your child feel secure enough to let you go:

Give lots of one-on-one time. Being loving and affectionate with your youngster is the best way to help her become independent. Ask about your child's day and give her undivided attention when she tells you a story. Turn the TV off and set aside some time each night for a family activity, such as playing a game or reading together. When a child is confident that she is loved, she builds a secure emotional base and feels more comfortable leaving you for short periods.

Talk about an upcoming separation. In general, children do best when you tell them about a major separation ahead of time and then remind them about it as the day nears. This will give your child a chance to prepare himself and give you the opportunity to help him work through his feelings. A couple of weeks is enough time for three- and four-year-olds. You can give children aged five and older more lead time. A shorter separation, such as a late night at the office, can be announced either the same morning or a day or two in advance. Since children have such individual reactions, see which approach works best for your child.

Explain why you are leaving. At any age, kids need help understanding the reason for a separation. Otherwise your child may conclude that you're leaving because she is bad and you don't want to be with her. Explanations like "I'm bringing you to preschool so you can have a good time and learn about new things," or "I need to go to work because it makes me feel good and the money I earn helps our family" accentuate the positive. An upbeat tone also conveys confidence that your child will be fine while you are gone.

Preview the experience of being apart. A description of what will happen when you are apart will help your child feel more secure because he'll know what to expect. Before dropping your child off at preschool, you might call the teacher for details on the day’s activities. Then you can tell your child, "When we get to school, you can pick a toy to play with. Then you'll have circle time and the teacher will read a story."

You can also do things before the big day to help familiarize your child with his new surroundings. For example, say, "At school, you'll be able to play in a nice, big playground with swings and a slide. You'll make new friends." Then spend some time before school starts at the preschool playground. You might also ask the preschool director if there will be an orientation meeting and request a class list so you can arrange playdates with your child's future classmates. Likewise, if your family is relocating, take your child shopping for a comforter or a small item for his new room prior to the move. That way, your youngster will feel like he has some part in the event and a connection to the new house.

Share details about your day. Describing your own activities helps, too, because your child will be able to picture you in her mind ("While you're at preschool, I'm going to do the laundry so we'll all have clean clothes to wear tomorrow" or "When I start my new job, I'll be working in a tall building"). You can even go a step further by pointing out your new office building to your child or by visiting it, if possible, to give her a mental image of where you will be when you start working.

Play with toys to master anxiety. Some kids find it comforting to use toys to act out a separation. For example, you can help your youngster set up a pretend school with her favorite dolls. Through expressive play your child can put her emotions into words ("Bunny feels sad because he misses Mommy") and master her anxieties by making the Mommy doll disappear and return.

Always say goodbye. Sneaking out on your child is never a good idea. It's a violation of his trust, and he'll wonder if you'll disappear again. Making false promises ("I'll be back in a few minutes") when you intend to return later that day will have the same effect. For words you can use instead, see "What to Say When Your Child Has Trouble Letting Go.”

Establish routines. These give children a feeling of control. You might have your child wave to you from the nursery school window each morning or be the first to offer a good-night kiss. Kids also feel better going to school with a familiar object from home, such as a blankie, or having an old pocketbook of yours to hold when you are going out for the evening. To help your child cope while you are at work, suggest that when she misses you, she can make a drawing for your office or ask the caregiver to help her call you.

What to Say When Your Child Has Trouble Letting Go

Guilt Busters for Anxious Parents

Parents need time apart from their children to reconnect with their partners and nurture themselves with personal interests and goals. Here is how you can make the transition easier for you:

Be realistic. Your youngster doesn't need you to stay by his side 24 hours a day to feel loved. If you're in tune with him emotionally and developmentally and you give him lots of affection and attention, he won't be deprived.

Connect with other parents. It helps to know that other moms and dads struggle with the same conflicted feelings. And parents you know and admire will attest to the fact that having a fulfilling career, taking time out to exercise, or joining a book group refuels them for their children.

Talk to the teacher. He can give you the inside scoop on how your child is progressing, which in turn will help you feel stronger about the separation.

Tune in to your feelings. Still worried? Cloudy feelings can be a signal that you need to reexamine the situation and find a solution. Instead of just feeling guilty about missing your child's school play because of a work commitment, come up with a plan. Find out if the teacher videotaped the performance and schedule an evening when you can make some popcorn, curl up on the sofa with your child, and watch the show. If you sense that he is more distressed or clingy than usual, ask, "Did someone say or do something that made you unhappy?" or question his teacher or caregiver. You may find an underlying cause that you can do something about, such as role-playing with your child the different things he can say and do if a classmate won't take turns during a game.

There's no getting around it: Separations between parent and child can be trying, even painful, for both sides. But if you follow these strategies and have patience, the day will come when the tears and tantrums vanish and your 3-year-old (who just a short time ago clung to your legs and sobbed, "Mommy, don't leave me!") will be so busy playing with his friends that he barely looks up as you are leaving. When that happens, keep in mind that you are not losing him. Your child may be growing up, but he will love you and be connected to you forever.

Five Separation Smoothers for Anxious Kids

Meri Wallace, a child and family therapist, is the author of Birth Order Blues (Henry Holt) and the founder of the Heights Center for Adult and Child Development in Brooklyn, New York.

Related Links

• Easing the Transition to Daycare or Preschool