Easing the Transition to Daycare or Preschool
Learning to separate takes time
"I have to go now, sweetie," you whisper to your three-year-old, who is happily rolling clay spaghetti at a table with other children at preschool. No sooner do these words leave your mouth than your youngster dissolves in tears, throws his little arms around your legs, and wails the gut-wrenching words, "Mommy, don't leave me!"
As a family therapist and a nursery school consultant, I often hear parents tell me that handling such scenarios is one of the hardest parts of being a mom or dad. To make matters more difficult, parents are struggling with powerful emotions of their own. You may feel helpless, embarrassed, or scared that you are doing the wrong thing.
It is natural for children to feel sad and angry when faced with separation. These feelings are a part of the grieving process (they are, after all, losing you for a period of time). And by being angry, some youngsters find it easier to let go. Your children's reluctance to be apart from you also demonstrates that they love you and are bonded to you.
Degrees of separation anxiety
The reaction will vary from child to child, but all children experience a basic sense of loss. So parents, be prepared. Here is an age-by-age guide to let you know what you can expect:
At six to nine months your baby will discover her individuality and begin to realize that you are physically separate from her. This ability to differentiate herself from you also means that for the first time she will be anxious about not being near you. Whereas she would once easily let you go, now she will make a fuss when you put her in the arms of a caregiver. She's making it clear: She wants only you.
At one to two years your toddler may follow you from room to room or insist on coming with you to the bathroom. That's because she fears that when you are out of sight, she has lost you.
At three to four years your preschooler is better able to say goodbye, especially if he has experience with other adults caring for him. He has developed a mental image of you, which helps him feel connected to you in your absence. But your child still worries about whether you will come back to him. His fear of losing you can cause him genuine panic. That's why two months into the school year, your child, who was never upset by separations before, may suddenly attach himself to your coattails. He just realized that school is here to stay.
Learning to separate takes time. And on the road to acquiring this skill, your child's behavior will be erratic. In addition, any new separation (changing caregivers), emotional distance (you're preoccupied by a big project at work), or developmental milestone (your toddler is learning to use the toilet) may trigger feelings of separation anxiety. Achieving a milestone signals to your child that she is getting older and moving farther away from that special closeness she had with you.
But if you accept your child for who he is, move at his pace and be patient; he will become more comfortable with his growing independence. If your youngster is particularly sensitive to separations, he may continue to have a strong reaction to them until he enters elementary school. But sometime between the ages of six and ten, when he is more focused on school and his friends, he will find it easier to explore the world on his own.
Meri Wallace, a child and family therapist, is the author of Birth Order Blues (Henry Holt) and the founder of the Heights Center for Adult and Child Development in Brooklyn, New York.
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